Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Characteristics Media Said They Admired In Dead Pope Now Outrages Them In New One

"We were just trying to get the guy in the ground," say journalists

Journalists who heaped unrelenting praise on pro-life,
conservative good Pope, John Paul II(left), may have
inadvertently helped to elect pro life, conservative bad
Pope Benedict XVI (right)

Rome--Trying to minimize their role in choosing Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as the next pope, mainstream media outlets everywhere are trying to explain away their profuse praise for Pope John Paul II and his unweilding, pro-life positions.

"We were kind of hoping that our posthumous praise for Pope John Paul and his stringent, doctrinal views on abortion would seem like we were also eulogizing the views," said one major media representative. "Now we may have made the world think that was a good thing. Now, they've gone and elected the most conservative, doctrinal watchdog in the Vatican as Pope. We may be partially to blame for this."

Many remember media talking head after talking head, emoting the kind of disingenuous retrospectives that may have tilted the wheel in Ratzinger's favor.

"Yeah, it's true,” said a major ABC News insider. “We try to strike a moderate, unbiased tone, and praise people for their tenacious grip on standards. Apparently, we haven’t figured out a way to say we are disgusted by pro-life views while commending those who unwaveringly hold them.”

Most media agree that the profuse praise for figureheads, such as former President Reagan as well as the Pope are merely academic exercises, with little or no sincerity intact.

“All that stuff about the cold war, Reagan’s iron will, and facing down the Soviets was just pure posturing,” said one news executive. “We really, really hated him, and are glad he passed away. Same goes for Terri Schiavo-interloping Pontiff’s.”

A recent Therapist/Blogging Times exit poll indicates that a majority of voting Cardinals were directly affected by the overwhelming praise for Pope John Paul II. Prompting them to pray for, and equally conservative pope.

“I really thought Peter Jennings and Cokie Roberts wanted Ratzinger by proxy,” said one unnamed cardinal, speaking outside the Sistine Chapel after the vote. “After all they’re the one who take ‘A closer Look’ in their broadcast every night. Since they’re so much smarter than me, I felt to pray for the election of a Pope like Cardinal Ratzinger.”

Some press insiders say a whispering campaign is already underway to hobble the new Pope’s momentum in the world before he even gets started.

“There is a rumor,” said one ABC News executive. “A rumor that states this new Pope may have said something to the effect that he likes Catholicism over other denominations. Now that would be a bombshell.”

Sources say Muslims may "take to the streets and burn things" if the allegations of religious elitism prove to be true.

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