Monday, April 18, 2005

1st failed Conclave Vote Confounds Worshippers With Unexplainable Green Smoke

Things "just a little too laid back in there," says source

Green smoke pours from the top of the Sistine Chapel
to the confused consternation of the devout waiting outside

Vatican City--As the first visible signs of a failed conclave vote made its way outside the Sistine chapel, parishioners and catholic pilgrims outside were dealing with an aspect outside the centuries-old template--the release of unexplainable, fragrant green smoke from inside the sequestered hall.

"We are only aware of two colors," said one expert observer. "Black and white. Black to symbolize that a vote has gone without fruitful conclusion, and white to symbolize that our new Pontiff has been chosen."

When asked about the sudden emission of green smoke, experts could only offer theories.

"Maybe somebody's not paying attention to the oil-based ratios," said one. "Color mismanagement has happened before."

Despite the Vatican’s best efforts to maintain an impregnable conclave, devoid of leaks, sources say that there are still “prying eyes” that can at least view the process voyeuristically—if not auditorially.

“We have a source that says things are really, really laid back,” said one anonymous source. “Our radio contact with our man in the air paints a picture of a hyper-serene consortium of cardinals, staring at Michelangelo’s “Last Judgment” for prolonged periods of time.

“Truth is, we have no idea when these guys are going to get to it,” said the source. “We just have to wait for the white smoke—or for the green smoke to run out.”

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