Monday, March 27, 2006

Time To Reinvent

I've come to the conclusion that this blog is at its lot--at least in terms of my interest in it.

I am constantly besotted with a desire to fulminate. The problem is, I am getting sick of cheapening my point by galvanizing it into satirical form. Yeah, it's all good for a laugh, but in the end you are nothing more than the chimp cranking the hurdy-gurdy on the street corner; nobody really thinks you belong above the steerage compartment.

So off I go to reinvent myself, blogolistically speaking. Those of you who've felt that my writing the serious stuff were always my high points . . . well, you are all right. I am in complete agreement with you.

Oddly enough, after all my previous carping about low traffic, that happens to be the last reason I blog. I do it for personal practice. I do it because I need the outlet--at least that's why I do it now.

That said, I am not revealing my new identity. I plan on ramping up perfectly-legitimate traffic, without priming the pumps in any fashion. And since I have this sneaking suspicion that I've offended folks like Michelle Malkin along the way, I plan on reintroducing myself in my new, existential form. She'll come to love me in spite of me.

But don't get too worked up. Those of you that know (and happen to like, for whatever reason) my style will eventually see my ridiculous literary turns leaking out from behind my self-imposed veil.

As for this thing, I say it will stand as a museum of "what could have been," had I just done things a little more consistently. I have no regrets, however. How could I?

Monday, March 20, 2006

White House Leery Of Criticism From Drug-Abusing, Hooker-Hiring, Woman-Beating Actor

"He is the swift-boats to the tenth power," say Bush advisors

Sheen: Could his propensity to beat women, solicit prostitutes,
and sniff lots of cocaine be the nuclear undoing of the Bush Administration?

Washington--Already shaken by low approval ratings, sources inside Washington say that public skepsism of the 9/11 attacks from "Spin City" actor, Charlie Sheen, could be the "nail in the coffin we've always feared."

Sheen, the star of the currently-running Two-And-A-Half Men, contends that the implosion of the twin towers on September 11th Looked like an "inside job". Sources inside the White House say that they have been "moderately successful" in deflecting seemingly baseless charges from those not besotted with relentless cocaine addiction, adultery, and the propensity to hire hookers with abandon.

"Those days are now over," said one source. "We are now facing our arch-nemesis right in the face."

While many believe that the actor's ability to be critical of the President in war time would be hindered by charges of woman-beating in the not-so distant past, others contend this is the kind of "credibility fuel injection" needed to head off Bush's "tsar-like" leadership.

Sheen's impressive resume of duplicitous behavior doesn't stop there.

"If it becomes common knowledge that Mr. Sheen, despite being married to the visually stunning Denise Richards, solicited a steady array of hookers from Hollywood madam, Heidi Fleiss, we may as well write off the mid-term elections now," said one source.

"This could be the end," they said. "We hope Mr. Sheen is unable to tap his full potential, because it is enormous."

Friday, March 17, 2006

ABC’s Woodruff Regains DNC Talking Points Recall

Doctors say reporter distorting war coverage from bed “with impunity”

Doctors say the tenacious Woodruff started out by muttering semi-intelligible references to Watergate at the beginning, but is now pursuing possible impeachment charges against the president, all from his bed.

Washington—Even as ABC News anchor, Bob Woodruff was being transferred from a Bethesda Naval hospital to a New York rehab center, the spunky, mid-40’s reporter was allaying fears that he “might not be able to distort” the progress being made in Iraq.

Woodruff was injured six weeks ago during a roadside bombing, while on assignment. The nature of his injuries brought into question just how much cognitive compromise was introduced by the attack, as well as whether or not Woodruff’s ability to recall democratic talking points extemporaneously would be hindered.

“We are completely satisfied with his progress at this time,” said Dr. Phil Enin, one of the many Bethesda physicians who’ve attended to the anchor. “We knew he was in there when he opened his eyes and demanded that FEMA be held responsible for his injuries.”

Sources say that Woodruff is able to walk, but also blanch at recent rumors that “extensive telemetry equipment” along with a sizeable hospital gurney was spotted being wheeled into a screening of Brokeback Mountain.

“We are not at liberty to divulge the cultural stimulus for any of our patients,” said Enin. “But let’s just say, Mr. Woodruff isn’t going to let a little thing like an IED knock him into Narnia, if you know what I mean.”

Woodruff is said to be conducting retro-fitted debates over WMD’s, the Contract with America from his bed, and is supposedly able to “put into a full nelson” any formidable opponent who wields the term, “compassionate conservative.”

We’re pretty sure he’ll be ready for the anchor desk soon,” said Enin. “Just as soon as he’s able to recite the New Orleans death toll in the tens-of-thousands, like everybody else, and then not retract any of it."

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I Should Have Blogrolled Him A Long Time Ago . . .

. . . but I am so incomprehensibly lazy, that I just haven't.

The Conservative Cat has been blogrolling me from the get-go, and I have shown little or no appreciation. Now is the time.

This is, by the way, the ONLY cat I like.


(Correction: Seems I DID blogroll him a long time ago. So instead, I've blogrolled him TWICE)

Bird Flu Prognosticator Stuns World With Reputation-Risking 50/50 Outbreak Odds Prediction

Webster: Deaths of millions contingent on which half of his apocalypse scenario proves to be correct. Many prognosticators hail Webster's professional bravery, while others denounce him as a maverick.

Washington--In a world fraught with credibility landmines, many are loathe to venture out into the real-world arena of predictions.

Such is not the case with Bird Flu expert Robert G. Webster.

Webster stunned his colleagues this morning when he told ABC News that the chances of a human-to-human outbreak of the H5N1 virus "could go either way, depending."

"The rest of the world is clamoring for this kind of rhetorical leadership," said one unnamed bird flu expert. "He has definitely shown the moxie that I personally don't have."

Webster's contention that the bird flu "may or may not" kill "half the population" definitely makes him an outlier in a profession that maintains a consistent 80-20 prognosticatory range, almost 90% of the time.

Still, not all in his profession are impressed.

"This 50-50 book-make is a cheap ploy for headlines, and really--an unnecessarily large panic pill for the public to swallow," said one colleague of Webster's. "And God help us if he's dead on with his prediction, because we'll see a plethora of 50-50 predictions coming in from all over--and about everything."

Monday, March 13, 2006

I Dare Somebody To Buy This For Me.

And mail it to me free of charge.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Iranian President Threatens US With "Swelling And Redness"

Claims discomfort and pensiveness "ready to strike at heart of devil"

Washington--Building upon his previous threats to bring "harm and pain," to the United States, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he was "ready to unleash" the "frequent swelling and redness you lionize in your western television commercials."

"Not only will I bring the whirlwinds of frequent irregularity discomfort," he said in a speech in Tehran yesterday, "but you will run to your marketplaces to seek long-lasting relief for up to twelve hours, and will find none, as Allah will destroy your Rx aisles."

Ahmadinejad is frequently mentioned as a "primary person of interest" in the Washing ton security circles.

"This is a critical and troubling upping of the collective ante by Tehran, " said ABC News consultant, Richard Clarke. "Mr. Bush better be prepared to get ahead of the onslaught of primary cold symptoms, or he’ll be staring down a Katrina-like debacle when these people decide to unleash the kind of discomfort they have promised.”

Administration officials say unofficially that they are “fully prepared to take on” any perceived ability by Iran to foist the kind of itching and swelling on the west.

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