Friday, March 17, 2006

ABC’s Woodruff Regains DNC Talking Points Recall

Doctors say reporter distorting war coverage from bed “with impunity”

Doctors say the tenacious Woodruff started out by muttering semi-intelligible references to Watergate at the beginning, but is now pursuing possible impeachment charges against the president, all from his bed.

Washington—Even as ABC News anchor, Bob Woodruff was being transferred from a Bethesda Naval hospital to a New York rehab center, the spunky, mid-40’s reporter was allaying fears that he “might not be able to distort” the progress being made in Iraq.

Woodruff was injured six weeks ago during a roadside bombing, while on assignment. The nature of his injuries brought into question just how much cognitive compromise was introduced by the attack, as well as whether or not Woodruff’s ability to recall democratic talking points extemporaneously would be hindered.

“We are completely satisfied with his progress at this time,” said Dr. Phil Enin, one of the many Bethesda physicians who’ve attended to the anchor. “We knew he was in there when he opened his eyes and demanded that FEMA be held responsible for his injuries.”

Sources say that Woodruff is able to walk, but also blanch at recent rumors that “extensive telemetry equipment” along with a sizeable hospital gurney was spotted being wheeled into a screening of Brokeback Mountain.

“We are not at liberty to divulge the cultural stimulus for any of our patients,” said Enin. “But let’s just say, Mr. Woodruff isn’t going to let a little thing like an IED knock him into Narnia, if you know what I mean.”

Woodruff is said to be conducting retro-fitted debates over WMD’s, the Contract with America from his bed, and is supposedly able to “put into a full nelson” any formidable opponent who wields the term, “compassionate conservative.”

We’re pretty sure he’ll be ready for the anchor desk soon,” said Enin. “Just as soon as he’s able to recite the New Orleans death toll in the tens-of-thousands, like everybody else, and then not retract any of it."

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