Monday, April 04, 2005

Michael Schiavo Angers Supporters By Giving Chinchilla Coat To New Wife

At least 100 hydrated, well-fed rodents used to make article

Protesters outside the Pinellas Park hospice illustrate
the blinding hypocricy between starving a spouse
and supporting corporate hedgemony through
rodent exploitation

Pinellas Park, Fla.--Erstwhile supporters of Michael Schiavo's successful, court-mandated starvation of his wife met with swift turbulence this afternoon, when it was learned that Mr. Schiavo had presented his "prettier and able to walk" wife with a fur coat--made from the finest chinchilla pelts available.

Protesters assembled outside the Florida hospice that formerly housed Terri Schiavo, as a "symbolic contrast of the hypocrisy" they say is on display.

“The disconnect between wanting a human to die and wanting an animal to die is staggering,” said one of the assembled protesters. “When in doubt, always err on the side of life for nondescript vermin and death for humans with a compromised cerebral cortex.”

"Chinchilla's never voted republican," said another protester, whose sign showed a meticulously photo shopped illustration of a bed-ridden chinchilla having its feeding tube disconnected. “And furthermore, these soft, cuddly rodents never staked out a position abhorrent to ours. That’s the difference.”

Experts say that in order to properly construct a full-length overcoat, 100 chinchillas must give their life for the undertaking—and that fastidious care for diet and nutrition is paramount.

“These animals are well hydrated, with a dietary standard that makes the human dietary template pale in comparison,” said one industry insider. “These protesters get a lot of credit, be cause it is their selfless activism that guarantees these animals are never subjected to nutritional deprivation. I could go to jail for that.”

Other outraged protesters held pictures that showed what they called “artistic projections,” which portrayed a shriveled, emaciated chinchilla, struggling for life-giving fluids, while other chinchillas look on with indifference. “This is what it will come to, if Michael Schiavo is allowed to roam finer clothing outlets unencumbered,” said one. “After he killed his wife, it seems he got derailed by the right, and we’re not entirely dismissing the idea that Karl Rove didn’t get the coat thing rolling in the first place.”

Schiavo says he is merely “continuing to roll with the matrimonial punches,” and that his supporters’ energy would be better expended trying to kill Alzheimer’s patients—the popularity of which is yet to be discovered.

“Let this coat be worn in peace,” he said. “These chinchilla’s are gone. Let them go.”

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