Tuesday, April 05, 2005

REPORT: Brisk Congressional Steroid Hearings Aided By Ephedra

Washington--A congressional report, citing the use of an "inordinate" amount of Ephedra-based "Mini-Thins," is what allowed Congressional committee members to conduct "brisk and cogent" hearings into allegations that Major League Baseball is rife with steroid use.

"It's amazing, the rush I got, with just one Yellow Jacket and a can of Jolt," said committee leader, Tom Davis. "In fact, there’s no way I could have maintained the reverberating timbre, and apocalyptic overtone without that stuff. I even feel like cleaning my house."

Others said they would have "never had the moxie" to berate 225 pound Major League Baseball notables without "a little dance with Mr. Whitetablet.”

The report states that “overt concern for Major League Baseball’s future” was “exponentially magnified by the stimulant, which is also credited with creating an entire generation of professional air guitar players, who play silent but important supplementary solos at Aerosmith concerts. Some say that Ephedra has made the “giant leap from musical ignominy” to “congressional validity.”

“My whole sense of optimism about the future was enhanced greatly by this substance, “ said Davis, while popping 16 cross tops and swigging Red Bull through a straw. “I just wanted to look Jose Canseco right in the eye and sing Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow. But I kept it focused to: “Stop taking steroids, you jacked-up, pine-swinging mutant.”

Parents of at-risk teens, as well as individuals working with troubled youth say that the congressional leaders set a bad example by placing their legislative futures into the hands of artificial stimulants.

“It’s bad enough that my kids say to me, ‘Dad, if Senator Kennedy can drink, drive, kill, swim, obstruct, and be perpetually elected, then why can’t I?’ Now we’ve got him amped up on Mini Thins and doing an open throat beer-bong hit on 2 liters of Ginseng extract. Next thing you know, Kennedy will start calling the president a traitor.”

Congressional figures disagree that the report says anything scurrilous.

“Look, it’s not like were sitting around, sniffing thrice-cut bathtub crank until Eleanor Clift’s Newsweek columns start to have a cogent thought,” said one senator. “This is a stimulant that works with your own metabolism in a bi-partisan way. How can anyone oppose something that enhances performance . . . kind of like. . .um, steroids.”

Newsweek denied that there is a drug of that potency, and that Eleanor Clift is as “batty as ever.”

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