Friday, March 25, 2005

Media Hoping No Consecrated, Bible-Quoting Teenagers Among Casualties In School Shooting

Federal Judge orders survivors to credit other gods

Media experts are concerned that incidents such as Columbine (left) are putting too much focus on faith in God, resulting in lasting, positive legacies overshadowing sociological interpretation, such as victim Rachel Scott(right). Scott's proclamation of faith before her execution has greatly diminished media anaylisis, even six years later. Media experts have higher hopes in the Red Lake scenario for at least a few unchurched survivors

BEMIDJI, Minn.—Top executives for major media outlets are concerned about the “disproportionately spiritual focus” that massacre survivors tend to put on harrowing experiences in which a murderous rampage has taken place. The most recent shooting at a high school on Minnesota Indian reservation. While not yet yielding any real tangible proclamation of faith, still has those in the press concerned.

“Any minute, we are expecting anecdotal accounts of diverted bullets, incident-free dialogues with the killer, and god forbid, a verbal proclamation of Jesus’ redeeming grace before being dispatched by a glock-weilding monster,” said one top executive for CBS news. “Our journalistic instinct is to balance these things out with depressing, vacuous accounts of societal imbalances, and possible economic reasons for these events. Our job becomes extremely difficult when these shiny, glimmering church kids start in with their ‘eternal purpose” stuff. Where’s the pessimism?”

Sources inside CBS say that reverberating, chill inducing phrases like “yes, I do believe in Jesus” and “Let’s Roll” are particularly stifling in a business so actively hostile towards any sense of spiritual-patriotic overtones.

“The insurgency, whether in Iraq or wandering the halls of Red Lake High School, need a voice,” said one insider. “We cannot provide a sincere, negative counterweight to the “eternal purpose” crowd unless we start delivering unchurched victims to the front page.”

Red Lake High School survivors were greeted by 1999 Columbine survivor, and perky born-again Christian Lauren Bohn, who asked "God to give them peace and comfort them."

"This is what we mean. Spiritual interloping at it's worst," said one journalist.

Bohn's positive admonitions to students prompted Pinellas County Circuit judge, George Greer to announce a universal gag order against the overzealous assignment of faith in these circumstances:

While the court may generally agree with the individual’s right to religious deferments, it also finds that disproportionate mention of God, particularly in the incarnation of Jesus, is antagonistic to the beliefs of their assailants. Survivors, family members and all related clergy are hereby ordered to refrain from these endeavors in such focused, sectarian terms. Furthermore, the court renders in violation, all references, whether by accident or design, to faith, hope, charity, Providence, unseen hands, angels, divine intervention, larger purposes or serendipity. Should an individual respondent violate this directive, immediate amelioration will be undertaken to praise Allah, Diana, Rahl, Isis, and Beelzebub.

Major media insiders are hoping these measures are unnecessary in this latest saga.

“The ideal situation would be for everyone involved to be an atheist,” said one insider. “That way, we have the full inertia of our investigative powers to prove that Bush economic policy could be at the root of these things, instead of the easy ‘morally bankrupt society’ argument to which we constantly default. These pollyannaish, bible-toting kids are all we’ve had to contend with since they’ve watered down evolution in the schools.”

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