Friday, October 31, 2008

Korir: "Blocking Your IP Addresses Will Save My Credibility."

Norway--African press International Chief Editor Korir, stated today that "any and all critics who dare make fun of, impugn, or take umbrage with" the editor's flailing credibility in the wake of his claims that he possesses tapes of Michelle Obama "will be blocked in order for me to regain the momentum of my honor."

Korir claims that he is in possession of a tape bearing the voice of Mrs. Obama, allegedly making "explosive statements that could lead the United States to a Constitutional crisis."

Mr. Korir's credibility suffered a setback Wednesday evening, when an unknown quantity, only referring to themselves as "The Therapist" temporarily assumed the avatar identity of Mr. Korir, and posted even more implausible time lines, claims, and hyperboles.

"Many people in the forum now no longer know who is real, and who is not,"said Korir. "Thankfully, we are rid of him. We blocked him. Sure, he got back in on a proxy server and told everyone that FOX News would carry the story last night, but I have rectified that. Now we can wait for the truth to come out."

The Therapist declined comment.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Santeria Is Preventing The Release Of The Tapes

By Chief Editor S. Korir,

My dear American friends, I have sad news to report. It seems that forces far and above our expectations have stepped in where even we could not imagine. We thought we had overcome our primary tape-transference obstacles when we updated our telegraph machine to accommodate a DSL cable. Then, when we were forced (by virtue of our own security instincts) to cut the tape into its fundamental syllabic components, only to have them re-spliced back in the United States by a major cable news network. Then, we had to terminate our legal relationship with Attorney Berg, just to prime our credibility pumps yet again.

Now, I regret to inform you, that even the most facilitous political maneuvering cannot overcome the ancient voodoo power of Santeria. As of right this moment, the entire cast of The Serpent and the Rainbow have reassembled in Kenya, and are cutting up preposterous amounts of poultry, just to see that these tapes never see the light of day, and that the American people never have a chance to make an informed decision.

On another note, the LA Times is concealing nothing. It's just a diversion to keep your passionate forces diluted, so that these tapes never actually see their rightful airing.

Pray for me, fellow sojourner.

-Editor Korir

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

API Plan To Announce Tape Details At 7:00 EST Thwarted By Daylight Savings Hoax

Not discovered for "at least 60 minutes" forwarded clock deleted actual hour, says Korir

Norway--The still-expected and explosive "Michelle Obama Tapes" purported to be in both the possession of the African Press International as well as an "unnamed American cable news network," was on track to be released--or to some degree confirmed--by Chief Editor Korir.

But then, tragedy befell an already addled Korir.

"I was set to give the next information at exactly 7:00PM Easter Time, when I received a mysterious call from a man who only identify himself as 'Homer.' He said unequivocally that it was daylight saving time right then, so I put my clock back to 5:45. As it approached the hour of truth, the call came in again with a sincere apology. They had been mistaken. So by the time I set my clock forward again it was actually 7:52 EST, far exceeding my targeted goal."

Korir confirms that he does indeed intend to "release any and all information," but only after a series of "important meetings" with someone identified only as "Cloud."

"It will come," he says. "I've been in this business since 2006. You think I'd risk 1 1/2 years of my reputation on something like this?" He then laughs, "I think not."

African Press Editor Says Network Re-Splicing Tape "Taking Longer Than Expected"

Twelve-million pieces "broken down by syllable, for secure shipping", says Korir

Norway--The Chief Editor of the Arican Press International, S. Korir, stated early Tuesday that the only thing standing in between the network and the airing of the much-anticipated Michelle Obama tapes, was a simple but laborious re-splicing of the audio to make it machine compatible once again.

"Because of contractual obligations," says Korir, "we were forced to break the tape down syllable by syllable, making sure that the forces of darkness do not prevail in securing this information for ultimate suppression."

Another presumed member of the staff, only identifying them self as "Cloud," concurred.

"I have been in constant phone contact with Mr. Korir," she said. "And I can tell you that he is under great personal and financial duress for this, this brave and selfless non-releasing of the tapes. I just want to assure Rosebud and Cumulus that my cryptic, convolutions and non-informational updates will see this through."

Developing . . .

Monday, October 27, 2008

African Press To Release Michelle Obama Tapes “Within Seconds” Of Nov. 4th Vote

Warns of “American Bloodshed,” if tapes not heard, lowers handbag prices

Norway—The editor of the African Press International, Chief Editor Korir, stated today that they are prepared to release the still-unproven Michelle Obama tapes to the media, “Literally within seconds” of the first balloting in the November 4th election in the United States.

“The American people need and deserve to be fully informed of the Specter of an Obama presidency,” warns Korir. “And I can do no less than to let them almost hear these tapes as they are driving into the polling station to cast their vote for Obama.”

The tapes, now drawing even the skepticism of even the most hopeful Republican outliers, purports to not only expose the black presidential contender as a native Kenyan, but also contains a brisk conversation, with the candidate’s wife dressing down the news agency for “betraying their race” by exposing the matter. The call was allegedly taped, and runs around fifty minutes long.

Mr. Korir is alleged to be black.

“The least I can do, “ say Korir, “is make sure these damning allegations are supported with the full force and credibility of the tapes, which I will humbly release nearly in time for them to make a difference.”

Editor Korir, also noted that his legal teams were “very immersed” in negotiations with a “major cable news network” over the tapes, and that his lawyers’ lawyers’ attorney’s special council’s representation was “in the last minute stages” of “releasing the tapes later.”

“There will be a race war and a bloodbath,” he said. “If the subtle issues inherent in these tapes are not taken into consideration by a voting populace that nearly heard them.”

Mr. Korir also noted that their handbag assortment was on line, and that prices have been lowered to accommodate those hunched over their laptops, eagerly waiting for him to continue ignoring direct questions.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

True To POW Days, McCain Accepting Relentless Pounding By Enemy With Grace

Washington--John McCain has been known all his life as a man devoid of predictable conventions and telegraphable intents. In recent days, the point couldn't have been made clearer when he selected Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin, to become the first female Vice presidential running mate for the republican party.

Now, facing being handed the anvil of responsibility in a housing credit ocean created by democrats, McCain stand to stun yet again.

"The man's propensity for bending over backwards is unparalleled," said one insider to the McCain/Palin ticket. ""Just watch the sheer agile facility with which he now bends forward."

McCain is expected to rend his clothes ans assume sackcloth and ashes until the House or Senate approves the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac bailout, which is widely known as a scandal involving democratic extortion, forcing the agencies to deliver loans to those with no money in the first place. Still, McCain asserts that blaming those responsible for their responsibility would be "irresponsible."

"I'm just not going to demean my senatorial office or the nature of the political process by winning," says McCain. "This will be perhaps the most gentlemanly loss in political history. mark my words, friends."

The credit for such tenacity is largely attributed to the daily buffeting McCain suffered at the hands of his captors in Vietnam--an ordeal that lasted five years.

"If anyone knows how to sustain endless unrequited backhands and jackslaps, it's McCain," said one known insider. "If anyone can sit for a full election cycle and not fight back, it's John McCain. You watch and see."

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