Tuesday, May 30, 2006

New York Times: Blacks Can't Comprehend Difference Between Hard Work, Bribery

Close family ties, boot-straps tenacity may have also contributed to Lawmaker's institutional blindness, say colleagues

Jefferson: Racially Incompetent, According to NYT. Some speculate as to
whether lawmaker understands the implicit monagamy in marriage vows.

Washington--As separation of powers controversy continued to swell around the FBI raid of the office of Louisiana Democrat, William Jefferson, many unnamed democratic insiders say they were "relieved" to see Tuesday's New York Times, which claims Mr. Jefferson's Black-based inability to discern right and wrong has exculpatory merit.

"Somebody's got to stand up and say it," said one democratic insider. "He's black. What do you expect from a black Congressman, honesty in and of itself? Not without a glock to his temple."

Others democrats claim that FBI agents "seized upon and exploited" what they claim is an "afro-centric inability to turn down a bribe."

"Sure, the deficit is there," said one source. "But they don't have to get all up in his face like that with cash. I'm just sickened by the crass opportunism that has been appropriated here. You may as well have sucker-punched Michael J. Fox. Neither is equipped to handle that kind of confrontation."

Some House Republicans have also come to the lawmaker's defense as well.

"Here's a man, raised with values, strong family ties, an impregnable work ethic, and is also black," said House Speaker Dennis Hastert. "You do the math. We had no business raising the ethical bar that high and expecting him to meet it. What are they thinking over there?"

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Dixie Chicks’ Steely Resolve In Not Backing Down Underscored By Backing Down From Earlier Retraction

Modern-day martyrs could lose royalty percentages in “some gave all” game of keeps

Chicks: Sreadfastly refusing to back down a third time.

Texas—When the Dixie Chicks told a London audience they were “ashamed the President of the United States is from Texas,” they may not have fully understood the chain of events they were already setting in motion.

Now, three years later, the group’s firebrand form of free speech has them riding a dizzying roller-coaster of retractions.

“The minutes I bravely uttered those words, I knew I was going to have to take them back,” said Natalie Maines. “Little did I know I was going to have to bravely take back my apology into order to facilitate an album title that says we didn’t apologize.”

Fans around the world—even outside the country music market, applaud what is now being dubbed “passive aggressive dissent,”—one that could ultimately cost the group millions in royalties, despite the current surge in popular opinion.

“I exalt them for their courage in retreating from an earlier position, especially since that was a secondary retreat from the position they now hold,” said 24 year old Madeline Harridan. “It’s got to be tough not to contract an eating disorder, trying to navigate through the labyrinthine maze of personal conviction.

Other fans credit Maines’ all-too-apparent weight loss as a surgical strike in the arena of discourse—thus robbing blue-collar comedian, Larry the Cable Guy, from continuing his popular shtick about Maines’ erstwhile Lane Bryant employment in the baleful glare of her two shapely cohorts.

“She’s no longer the “Fat Dixie Chick,” said one fan. “She’s the phat Dixie Chick.”

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

With Allah's Help, I'll Also Exonerate Uday And Kusay

By, Osama Bin Laden
Guest Columnist

Some of you stand in stark amazement at my impeccably-timed audio tape that exculpates that wannabe nitwith Zecharias Moussaui from any involvement in the Sept. 11th attacks. Well you should. I've just spared the death penalty, infidels. You Americans think you can control the all-seeing hand of Allah, along with the long arm of his eyes.

I'm not ready to let that megalomaniac Huusein off the hook as of yet, but I'm about ready to snap. And when I do that, there's gonna be hell to pay for anyone that tried to testify about Uday and Kusay's fascination with starving wildcats and the coincidental apprehension of one's own sexual rivals. Ditto for the textile shredder.

You people either knock off your Zionist alliances, or the brothers grimm go back out on the street. Got it?

I need to go shave my back. I'm going to see the DaVinci Code, and I need to be prepared for a stiff goosing from the American press corps. I've spent time in Turkish prisons, so I know what to do if Dan Rather runs up on me with a Peter Graves pickup line.

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