Wednesday, March 02, 2005

DEAN: Bush May Have Hired Own Assassin

Set him up for torture scenario, say Dems

Dean's unsurpassed cognitive gifts
have delivered Machiavellian stratagems
such as "Republicans are evil," and "Bush knew
about 9/11 in advance." He has since eclipsed both
by exposing Bush's plot to assassinate himself

Washington DC
--DNC Chairman Howard Dean is claiming that President Bush's shrewd political talents may have led him to hire his own would-be assassin, thus setting him up for torture at the hands of the Saudi Arabian government.

"Now the cat is out of the bag," said Sen. Nancy Pelosi. "He may think the American people are stupid, which they are, but it is political suicide to think that kind of slippery-eel maneuvering will get past us."

American citizen Ahmed Omar Abu Ali, is accused of plotting to assassinate president Bush and being in collusion with Al Qaeda. Abu Ali Claims he was tortured at the hands of the Saudi government, at the behest of the United States. DNC Chairman, Howard Dean, sees a conspiracy.

"Again, we see the fingerprints of Karl Rove all over this." said Dean. "If you want--I mean really want--to have somebody tortured, it's simple. Hire them to kill you yourself. Have the Canadian government give you the derogatory intelligence, get them deported back to their Saudi Arabian Alma Mater, and have the people there pull his fingernails out with tin snips."

Democratic leaders in both legislative bodies have applauded the labyrinthine thinking of Mr. Dean.

"He's like that guy Monk, on the USA Channel," said Sen Joe Biden (D-Del.), except he doesn't try to straighten curtains during a murder trial or mix the decaf into the regular in the name of evening out the pots."

Dean is being compared to fictional sleuths such as Miss Marple, Hercule Poirot, Ben Matlock, Columbo, Quincy, and Ironside in the wake of his surgeon-like skill in exposing the "nefarious plots of the right."

A senior White House official denies that they would need to "pay money to hire an assassin," as "most of Hollywood seems ready to act pro bono on the same agenda.

"If we really wanted to do this, then Alec Baldwin would be swallowing a wet dish towel in a non-descript Saudi Arabian jail right now, " he said.

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