Friday, March 04, 2005

Supreme Court Could Rule Own Building Unconstitutional

May have to conduct court from "Moses-Free" trailer

Washington DC--Supreme Court insiders say there is more than a modicum of conflict within the minds and temperaments of the Nine Justices as they weigh issues concerning the Ten Commandments.

Rocks of Offense: Moses, daring to flash a snippet of Hebrew
on the south face of the Court(left) and sitting as the central
lawgiver on the building's facade. Some are considering replacing
him with a relief of Alec Baldwin, to be flanked by Hammurabi and Solomon

"They realize that expunging any vestige of the Ten Commandments means they have to demolish their own building" said a lawyer and close friend of Justice Ginsberg. ""Either that or major components of the building will be sand blasted to an atheist-pleasing smoothness that would rival Stalin's airbrushing of Trotsky."

Experts also indicate that either process will force the court to convene a venue ad hoc, in the form of a construction office trailer or educational temp unit.

The Supreme Court building contains numerous iconographic tributes to Moses, as well as other religious and philosophical figures, none of which have bothered the ACLU, with the exception of the Ten Commandments and Moses.

The south wall alone is adorned by "friezes" of Menes, Hammurabi, Moses, Solomon, Lycurgus, Solon, Draco, Confucius and Octavian, with Justinian, Mohammed, Charlemagne, King John, Louis IX, Hugo Grotius, Sir William Blackstone, John Marshall and Napoleon gracing the north wall.

"All we want off of there is anything remotely implying Talmudic thought," said our source. Thou shalt not commit adultery is just too rigid and draconian for the 21st century." Sources for The Therapist were unable to explain why Draco's carving is not too draconian, however,

Another disturbing display on the doors of the court itself, each of which displays icons of the two tablets with an "implied Ten Commandments" on them. Each justice must pass through these doors before declaring their door--among other things unconstitutional.

The Doors: All Justices will pass by this
embossed wood depiction of the Commandments
before possibly banning them. New Justices thought
to be smarter than old ones.

"This is easily remedied," said the source. We can easily replace the doors, but there also exists the argument that these two icons do not represent the Ten Commandments, but possibly the Bill of Rights." The source was unable to explain how the Bill of Rights was hewn out of granite in the book of Exodus by God's finger.

A ruling against the public displays of the Ten Commandments will have peripheral effects as well, as Moses is depicted on the wall of the National Archives, which will have to rent office space.

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