Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Supreme Court: Minors Free To Shoot People

Slightest hint of grey requires ID before killing spree

Washington DC--The United States Supreme court, in a 5-4 ruling swept away antiquated restraints that prevented minors from killing people.

"This is a victory for youth," said Albert Keyda, 17. "We've been pushed around by the adult community long enough, and for them to try to impose their punitive approach to killing is oppressive and stupid."

ACLU attorneys applauded the ruling as well.

"We, as adults, try to retro-fit our generational morays onto those with no ideological comparison to us," said P. Sophdung, head ACLU counsel. "Maybe this generation is not the least bit interested in accepting a mea culpa for indiscriminate killing, and who are we to impose it upon them?"

The ruling spares DC Sniper John lee Malvo a death-penalty sentence, and vacates the death penalties for any death-row inmates who had the foresight to disregard human life before they were 18 years of age.

All potential killers will be forced to show an ID proving they are minors, at the discretion of prevailing authorities. Law enforcement authorities are advocating a "zero tolerance" policy for adults trying to capitalize on the ruling.

"If we even detect the slightest bit of maturity, or even suspect that a would-be killer is someone who pays their own bills, we'll take them out," said one unnamed police officer.

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