Monday, March 07, 2005

Italian Reporter Already Twelve Minutes Into Fame

Preposterous "deliberately targeted" theory already has public annoyed she survived

Washington--A bad choice of strategy has already vanquished twelve minutes of Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena's Warholian fifteen minutes of fame.

Sgrena's vehicle was engaged by coalition forces, in an incident that wounded her, and killed her bodyguard.

White House press Secretary, Scott McClellan called the reporters assertions that she may have been deliberately targeted "absurd." Other sources close to the White House surmised that the accusations would not stop there.

"Next thing you know, she'll be claiming she was fondled by Bill Cosby and given funny juice by Michael Jackson," said one.

A Therapist/Blogging Times poll indicates that a public usually sympathetic to those caught in the crossfire of procedural errors are already indifferent to any mortal wounds potentially suffered by the writer for the communist paper, Il Manifesto, since a dead reporter has a harder time making ridiculous accusations and wastes less precious air time.

Sgrena's accusations of American troops deliberately trying to kill her reflect badly for her in this poll, the public apparently tired of hearing that America is the blame for everything, including the employment of retarded, nearsighted Italians with no night driving skills.

One analyst sees it this way: "The disproportionate importance this woman assigns to her own existence is what tips the poll here," he said. "To go right for a political jugular and equate yourself to those on the Iraqi deck of cards is preposterous, and underscores the sheer depths that biased reporters will sink to indict the American forces. I think her predicament stems from Martyr Fatigue."

Even those close to Sgrena are starting to wish somebody had put a cap in her.

"She just won't quit yammering about revolution, and how her name sits amongst the infamous pantheon of terrorists," said a reporter for Il Manifesto, "It's like that period of time when you couldn't turn sideways without hearing that velocoraptic screech of Rosie O'Donnell's."

"She needs to just go away," said one source close to the paper. "There's nothing more pitiful than an atheist seeking canonization."

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