Wednesday, February 02, 2005

DNC Already Issuing Preemptive Apologies For Upcoming Dean Remarks

Washington DC--The Democratic National Committee, virtually assured that their face to the public will be former Vermont governor, Howard Dean, is issuing a series of preemptive apologies to head off firestorms associated with upcoming Dean remarks.

"It's only a matter of time," said one DNC operative. "He'll go along fine for a while, and then one day . . " The operative imitated the Bill Bixby's Gamma radiation sequence from The Hulk, and growled.

"ARRRRGH! George Bush dreams about bayoneting little Arab babies!" he intoned with the standard, throaty, glottal fry associated with the startling metamorphosis.

The operative even tore his shirt for emphatic effect.

"We would like to formally distance ourselves from Howard Dean in the process of embracing him," said another operative. "We love Howard, but we know he'll be unable to refrain from saying things like Rudi Juliani is a member of Al Queida, or that Condoleeza Rice was flying one of the planes into the World Trade Center, and then ejected right before impact."

Dean had once said that the President knew of the WTC attack in advance, and did nothing to stop it. When asked if the Dean ascension would help or harm the party's desire to be perceived as more mainstream, the operative admitted that the subject is tense, at best, in the halls of democratic cognoscenti.

"It depends on how much independence he asserts with regards to his speechwriting,' he said. "And the fervent prayer that no automobiles backfire during a Good Morning America interview with Charlie Gibson."

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