Tuesday, December 28, 2004

2004-A Backup of the Memory's Septic System

Here it is. Yet another pallid retrospective of the previous year. The points highlighted in this piece are the sole discretion of the author. Blatant omissions will be obvious, but their inherent blatancy makes them the prime candidates for omission--as they are already riding shotgun in our collective memories. Others are included because I had something funny to say about it--and for no other reason.

The omission of the recent 8.9 magnitude quake and subsequent tsunamis are part and parcel of the bromidic notions that "recency precludes the humorous." In other words, there's nothing funny down that road . . .

9th—The Department of Defense gives Saddam Hussein official, “Prisoner-of-War” status, allowing him access to Red Cross attendance. Unofficial sources say the list of perks include cable television, X-Box tournaments against Kurdish villagers, and conjugal visits with CBS news executives.

11th—Former Treasury Secretary, Paul O’Neill goes on 60 Minutes to decry The Iraq war as a long planned vendetta against Saddam Hussein, and that the President had planned the war from the earliest days of his presidency. He did not elaborate as to why it took him three years to blow such an urgent whistle, however.

13th—President George Bush reverses an earlier stance banning Canada’s participation in the bid process for Iraq reconstruction, at a conference of western leaders. Canadian higher ups noted that the French adroitness for carrying white flags has perfectly suited them for road-crew service.

16th— #1 ranked white female pop singer, Michael Jackson, pleads not guilty to lewd acts with children, and looking horrifically similar to Diana Ross.


4th—Pakistani scientist, Abdul Qadeer Khan, admits to selling sensitive nuclear technology to such benign entities as North Korea, Iran, and Libya.

5th— President Musharraf Pardons Khan.

6th—Khan admits giving insider information to Martha Stewart—is executed without trial.

President Bush calls for the creation of an incompetent, clandestine intelligence gathering agency to investigate the other incompetent, clandestine intelligence-gathering agencies.

22nd—Ralph Nader announces his candidacy for President of the United States. Warns Americans about the hazards of helicopter ejection seats.

23rd—United Nations General Secretary, Kofi Annan, states that elections in Iraq are possible by years end, buy decries the “sad and unnecessary ethnic tensions” peppering the region. Calls for elimination of Jews.


2nd—170 Shiite Muslims observing ashura in Baghdad and Karbala are killed when their mosques are hit by suicide bombers. Osama Bin Laden issues a new videotape that basically says “No! No! The Koran says kill all NON-MUSLIMS you idiots!!!” Bombers go to hell’s 9th circle, devoid of the usual, afterlife harem of moustached maidens.

On the same day, robot explorer Observer detects signs that water once covered a small crater on Mars. Scientists cite Galilean precedent to say there is no God, and that we are an accident.

24th—Former Counter terrorism official, Richard Clarke, goes on—of all things—60 Minutes to say that Bush’s inner circle failed to heed his warnings of an “imminent attack by Al Queida.” Goes on to predict “earthquakes somewhere,” “murder in the Sudan” and “another movie with Ben Stiller” with frightening, Nostradamus-like accuracy.


7th--US announces that two cement-headed, warring tribes of Arabs—the Sunnis and the Shiites—can be unified; we just need to provide more Americans for them to kill.

13th—Heretofore mentioned Pakistani scientist, Abdul Qadeer Khan (who gave nuclear secrets to North Korea) announces gravely that the North Koreans now have a nuclear bomb. Registers his outrage with this “blatant and flagrant misuse of stolen technology.”

14th Osama Bin Laden releases an audio tape, which offers Europe immunity to “all nations who withdraw their troops from Muslim nations.” France sends troops to Iraq so that they can be seen actively following this directive by withdrawing them.

30th—Pictures surface on 60 Minutes II showing the graphic and disturbing non-beheading, non-electrocuting, and non starving of Iraqi prisoners of war by American soldiers, in the name of “getting all the facts to the American people.”


5th—Picasso’s Boy with a Pipe sells for 104.1 Million at a Sotheby’s auction—reportedly acquired by Buyer with a Crack Pipe.

8th—60 Minutes II doesn’t show the graphic decapitation of Nicholas Berg, an American businessman, by Jordanian militant Abu Musab Al Zarqawi, in the name of “needing to parse facts that are too pungent for the American olfactory system.”

18th—Department of Histrionic Showboating 9/11 Commission harshly criticizes New York’s infrastructure as incompetent and riddles with communication problems between fire and police departments. Respective chiefs for each department state that most communication problems stemmed from the fact that 1/3 of their infrastructure was buried under 6 million tons of other infrastructure.


1st—UN peacekeepers arrive in Haiti to provide targets for rebels.

3rd—CIA Director, George Tenet unexpectedly announces his resignation. Richard Clarke accuses Tenet of being “completely unaware” of his own imminent resignation, and that all attempts by him to warn Tenet that he intends to resign were brushed aside.

5th—Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the United States, succumbs to Alzheimer’s at age 93. His death is also credited for provoking a small, religious insurgency amongst the left, as they profess a sudden, unexplainable belief in the existence of hell on talk shows and Internet chat rooms.

22nd—Bill Clinton’s book, My Life, sells 500,000 copies on its first day. Costco displaces its entire inventory to carry it. Satellite imagery shows visible deforestation of the planet to maintain printing schedule.


1st--Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein and 11 codefendants are arraigned in court on charges of crimes against humanity. Break dances on top of limo for fans. Dan Rather attempts to touch hem of garment.

6th—Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, John Kerry, selects John Edwards’ Hair to be his Vice-presidential running-mate.

9th—The International Court of Justice rules that a West Bank fence in Israel illegally impedes the infiltration of Palestinian suicide bombers into Jerusalem.

14th—In a vote of 50-48, the Senate defeats an attempt to install a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Senate minority leader, Tom Daschle, said that the vote was more “chronological, than ideological,” as floor debate would conflict with Massachusetts Congressman, Barney Franks’ bridal shower.

21st—Cosmologist, Dr. Stephen Hawking reverses an earlier opinion stating that no information can be retrieved from black holes, after the Hubble space telescope photographs a Starbucks under construction inside of one.


12th—The California Supreme Court annuls 4,000 gay marriages performed in February and March. Bed Bath & Beyond stock plummets to subterranean levels in the wake of high gift returns.

16th—George Bush announces plans to deploy troops in the battle against high cholesterol.

20th—Salty-dog war hero and swift-boat legend, John Kerry, tells the federal Election Commission that George Bush is hitting.


8th—CBS News’ Dan Rather breathlessly reports that some guy gave him photocopies of second generation documents stating that President Bush got “special treatment” in the National Guard. Thirty seconds later, the blogosphere exposes them as forgeries.

16th—Weapons inspector, Charles Duelfer releases a report stating that “he couldn’t find anything laying around iraq that looked like WMD’s” Admits that he forgotten the couch cushions, and that “we looked everywhere the terrorists said to look.”

20th—President Bush eases trade embargoes against Libya, allowing for Khaddafi’s men to load explosives on American liners with far less red tape, and with virtually no holdovers.

Dan Rather admits he “cannot prove the authenticity” of the documents, but that he stands by everything the documents say.


1st—Mt. St. Helens violates federal emissions limits—again.

4th—Paul Bremer, former Iraq Administrator, says that President Bush failed to send enough troops to Iraq. Richard Clarke stresses that his warnings of “an imminent threat of not sending enough troops” were brushed aside by administration officials. Predicts that president Kennedy will be shot when he goes to Dallas.

25th—The New York Times, in conjunction with CBS News, announces that 380 tons of explosives that “never existed” are now missing from the Al Qaqaa military installation, furthermore cementing fears that “non-explosions” and “non-casualties” will be the result of this slip-up.


3rd—President George W. Bush is handily re-elected. Michael Moore develops a high pressure weather system along his waistline, 10 degrees above the navel. John Kerry rips his shirt and cries “Stella!”

4th—Palestinian leader and child killing terrorist, Yassir Arafat slips into a coma. For once the American media reports good news.

11th—Arafat assumes bunker temperature—becomes leader of the “afterlife PLO” (Please Let me Out!)


1st—Jailed Fatah leader, Marwan Barghouti states that he will run for the presidency of the Palestinian Authority, just as “soon as I break out of this joint.” Blows up things to emphasize gravitas and passion.

7th—Harmid Karzai is inaugurated as Afghanistan’s first popularly-elected president. Shocks rest of Arab world by not having the opposition’s throat slit in the inaugural arena.

25th—The world exchanges gifts in fashions reminiscent of the magi’s gold, frankincense and myrrh, speaks of peace on earth, forgiveness and redemption, and gives all the glory to an omniscient entity who knows your sleep patterns, and social morays, and therefore behavior should be dictated accordingly.
And others celebrate Jesus’ birth. Jesus, of course, bearing the burden of actual omnipresence and having substantially lower triglycerides than Santa Claus.

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