Tuesday, December 14, 2004

. . . And then Satan Entered Into Him.

It has always seemed that Arizona Senator John McCain has vascillated between the poles of erudite ruffian and shell-shocked, retarded pundit. One can't possibly over-deride a guy who spent a good spell in the Hanoi Hilton, but one can at at least thank God he behaved himself at the Republican National Convention. That whole "disingenuous filmmaker" line was precious--even if it was accidentally supportive of Bush.

But let a possible candidacy enter the equation, and McCain turns into some Mephistopholean pea-soup pump--complete with a full and uninhibited cranial 360. But, as has been stated already, one must weigh the criticisms here against the immeasurable traumas delivered by one too many needles hammered up ones cuticles in Vietnam. That Thousand Yard Stare's gotta count for something.

McCain is notorious for criticising his own--right when things are heating up for those actually behind the eight-ball. The latest is to press his "no-confidence " feelings toward Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. This, for all points and purposes, isn't necessarily an illegitimate argument--on it's own.

But McCain is trolling for a 2008 presidential run, and while this kind of posturing gets you immediate and nearly suffocating media attention(as does all Republican dissent), but it also comes perilously close to further exposing the fact that McCain is also a part-time moron. The two biggest issues, the two low-flying, giant albatrosses of burden, the duo of cumbersome, millstones of national importance to the man's missionary-like soul are:

1) Campaign Finance Reform

2) Steroids in Major League Baseball

Anyone remember when McCain was on news shows, riding the cusp of tears, saying he would "fight until his last breath" to pass the needed legislation to end soft money? Whew. I was scared that he might want to attack soft foreign policy for a minute, there. He did it by the way--I mean he did pass legislation. And McCain/Feingold legislation brought us the 527--in other words--those wanting to criticize either John Kerry or George W. Bush had to go out and fill out a triplicate governmental form, requesting interview with authorities unknown, hoping to avail to themselves a First Amendment--made previously available by Founding Fathers who could not have anticipated the brillance of "those who are afar off," like John McCain. Nope. The human cerebellum was but a withered piece of beef jerky, back in Jefferson's day.

Then there's the issue of Steroids. The press is going mental with the idea that drug-testing in professional sports is the hot-button issue of kings. And John McCain is gleefully accepting the accolades of brilliance from the same people who just knew that John Kerry would carry Excalibur right through the electoral gate as well. Good for him. He needs to burn out on an early re-entry at this point. Yes, we're all behind your passions, John. Now get into that metaphorical pine-box and go to sleep.

"Elect me, and Barry Bonds will have to pee into a mason jar at home plate."

"McCain For president--because my distended jowls are God-given."

You go for it senator. Go ahead and believe that the press loves you instead of your dissent. Between you, and Rudy Guliani's endorsement gaffe for Homeland Security Director, Hillary Clinton's got to be riding the front end of an Iowa Caucus contact high, while you lock your jaws around the knot of heavy-hemp media rope.

And dangle like the dumb mutt you appear to be.

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