Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Banks Making Staggering Breakthroughs In Grainy, Unintelligible Photography

Completely useless cameras "right around the corner," say analysts

This grainy, somewhat abstract security photo still allows
for the antiquated ability to distinguish this perpetrator
as a twenty-something, caucasian male. Analysts say such
aberrations are on the verge of being eradicated.

New York--Acting under long-term directives of Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan, banks in North America have continued the devolution of photographic integrity at an exponential rate of progress with regard to on-site security.

“Our goal is to become the financial equivalent of the United Nations,” said one bank executive for Wells Fargo. “And those subterranean levels of sheer incompetence cannot be achieved without first amputating our primary, precautionary extremity—the in-house security camera.”

Experts say that, while current security systems provide grainy, virtually indistinguishable photographs of bank robbery suspects, that their systemic failures lie in the camera’s inability to further obscure facial features. At this point, police investigations are still producing the occasional, positive identification leading to arrests and convictions—something banks are hoping to ultimately vanquish.

“We are hoping that, before too long, we will be unable to even describe the racial provenance of an individual,” said one analyst. “We are hedging or hopes against even gathering the slightest clue of things like weight, height, and identifying marks in the future.”

Others say that the preponderance of the new cutting-edge cameras will also level the playing field for those with horrible, soul-crushing deformities who’ve dreamed of robbing a primary financial institution.

“Imagine the empowerment,” said a representative for US Banks. “A kleptomaniac cleft palate can enter the orb of crime on an equal footing with those of less repulsive features. This is what America is all about.”

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