Friday, March 11, 2005

Ward Churchill Slices Off Ear, Mails It To Prostitute

Claims critics "doth protest too much" on plagiarism charges

Churchill: planning to
commit suicide in Cuba, right after
completion of his magnum opus,
Huckleberry Finn.

Boulder--Embattled University of Colorado professor, Ward Churchill, attempted to stem charges that he is both an intellectual property thief, and fraudulent art dealer, by slicing off his own left ear, and mailing it to a local prostitute.

Churchill is under fire for recent comments in which he likened those killed in the World Trade Center as "little Eichmann's."Charges have also recently surfaced that Churchill may have sold art deemed to be his own original works, when crack research shows them to be mirror-image reproductions of another artist's work.

Churchill vociferously denied the charges while cursing Gougan, and taking copious amounts of Digitalis Foxglove.

"This is much ado about nothing, " said Churchill. "To be or not to be original, that is the question. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives."

Supporters of Churchill say the art fraud charges stem from a societal bias against those with Jaundice. Further allegations of plagiarism, they say, can be explained by Churchill's ongoing battle with rabies, which they say "has severely impaired his ability to defend himself verbally in the public square."

Churchill contends that right wing fanatics are "rapping on my chamber door. Only this and nothing more."

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