Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Johnnie Cochran's Ill-Fitting Casket Raises Questions About Death

Simpson: Said that "heads would roll"
if Cochran's actual self was not returned.

Los Angeles--Famed OJ Simpson Counsel Johnnie Cochran's funeral was brought to a theatrical standstill today, when observers noticed that the lawyer's coffin was "disproportionately small for a man of his stature."

"That description, oddly enough is figurative as well a literal," said attorney F. Lee Bailey, who has not only worked along side Cochran in the Simpson trial, but has also experienced life as a defendant in prison. "He as a complex man that could relate simple truths, such as the one that illustrates the logical chasm between ill-fitting Isotoners and victim-consistent blood found in the bronco."

Legal analysts say that the fact that Cochran's body was apparently shoehorned into the casket shows '"the possibility that he may not have died."

"It is customary for the deceased to lose a significant percentage of girth after expiration," said one expert. "Theoretically, Cochran should be considerably lighter, and thinner, as a result of not only organ removal, but the less quantifiable lack of life blood that seems to add mass, even though there's no scientific way to measure it."

Experts say that initial tailored measurements should in no way have increased, without either the overt involvement of a "weight-imputing entity," or the more dubious theory of a "false Cochran" brazenly inserted in the coffin, unbeknownst to the casual observer.

Cochran came to international prominence with his sometimes-dramatic handling of the OJ Simpson defense, in which his client was acquitted in the wake of both the ill-fitting glove theory, and the baleful glare of Mark Fuhrman’s perjured use of the N-word during a screen test.

"Cochran showed us that, if you take a tight fitting glove, and attempt to place it on the hand of a corpulent, sedentary defendant wearing latex gloves at the outset, that the "ill-fitting glove" defense is devastatingly convincing to a jury," said one legal analyst. "No amount of empirical DNA evidence, spousal abuse photos, or preponderance of the victim's blood in suspicious places can stand critical examination in light of such presentational genius."

Analysts say they are not sure where the real Johnnie Cochran is, but that the search for him would continue—headed and directed by Orenthal James Simpson, who appeared emotional about the mix-up at the funeral today.

“I will continue to search, with every fiber in my body, until I locate him,” said Simpson. “Even if I have to kill somebody.”

A special thanks to my non-blogging-and-soon-to-be-married friend, Rob in Sacramento, for the idea behind this bit

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