Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Spy Chief Labels Bolton Bully, Urinates On Self

Ford "still hiding somewhere," say senators

Totally peed out the chamber: Carl Ford Jr., (left) totally lost
it when UN Ambassador Select, John Bolton, made a hasty,
bullying gesture like the one shown at right. Senate insiders say Ford
is still hiding in the chamber.

Washington--A former high-ranking intelligence chief in the US State Department has slammed John Bolton, George W. Bush's choice as ambassador to the UN, calling him a "bully."

Speaking before a Senate committee yesterday, former intelligence head, Carl Ford Jr., let fly with scathing criticism of Bolton while a noticeable trace of bladder evacuation began to appear on his clothing.

"That man is . . .is, just mean," said Ford, trembling before a seated Bolton while piddling the committee chamber. "He even shook a CIA operative upside down to obtain microfiche not belonging to him."

Ford went on to day that Bolton had a history of using his bully tactics on "little people" to get what he wants. Ford continued with his analysis despite the enormous pool of pungent yellow liquid pouring from his pants leg.

The testimony comes before the vote is extended to the full senate, in which Bolton is still expected to clinch the job of UN ambassador, despite the repeated claims of Bolton's thuggery, and even more in spite of the vast bouts of senatorial incontinence caused by Bolton and his high-impact presence.

“This could prove embarrassing for many,” said one senate insider. “It has been so long since a real man—Senator Clinton notwithstanding, of course—has even entered the senate camber, that these little boys don’t know how to deal with it.”

Some even expressed grave concern that others would urinate on themselves in the presence of Bolton, if confronted.

“First, we have to eliminate the chronic piddlers,” said one analyst. “Kennedy, Hatch, Specter, Santorum, Shays, et’ al. Some of this stems from chronic alcoholic edema, but there is also the ‘poltroon factor’. Just the very presence of a strong, black-and-white sort of personality scares many in here.”

A full vote on Bolton is expected today, barring any unforeseen urinations, and assuming all senators in hiding come out from under their desks.

“We still can’t find Mr. Ford.” Said one senator. “He looked very pale after his testimony, and he told me he was going for a mop, when we lost him.”

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