Thursday, April 14, 2005

Muppets Come Under Oil-For-Food Scrutiny

Millions in unmarked bills found stuffed inside a lifeless Gonzo

Authorities believe that Muppet proximity to the UN
Secretary General and his wife make for "very strange
bedfellows." Two of the five Muppets pictured here are
expected to be indicted this week. Mr. Annan remains
above indictment because of congenital stupidity.

New York--The Justice Department is investigating what it calls "empirical evidence" with regard to 'certain identifiable" members of Jim Henson's famed Muppets, for involvement in the UN oil-for-food scandal.

"The serendipitous nature of this whole break in the case is amazing," said one insider. "It was the Muppet propensity for intense, unrelenting socialization, coupled with a false sense of security that may have hanged them."

Sources say that the Volcker Report, which provided a backdoor acquittal for UN Secretary General, Kofi Annan, might have had the Muppets existing within a false bubble of confidence.

"Mr. Annan's complete and total paralysis from the neck up would make anybody feel that way," said one source. “He may not have even known he was cutting backroom deals with the Swedish Chef, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, or even that cartilaginous nitwit, Beaker."

Other observers say Annan dealt "directly" with Grover, vis-à-vis his surreptitious envoy, Elmo.

Experts indicate that any attempt on the part of sentient, intelligent Muppets to hide in the skirts of Kofi's unbelievably appalling IQ would be met with contempt charges. "Everyone knows Statler and Waldorf are firing on all cylinders," said one. "There's no room for chicanery at all."

The connection stems from a December, 2004 appearance by the Secretary General on PBS' Sesame Street, in which Mr. Annan, and his wife resolved conflicts between feuding Muppets.

"He resolved it the way he resolves most international conflicts," said one PBS Executive. "He paid off the feuding parties with untraceable cash, and took credit for his searing, diplomatic acumen. The problem lies in the fact that highly intelligent Muppets have taken illegal currency from a honest--albeit retarded--man."

Amongst the oil-for-food scandal directly, is the peripheral case of the untimely death of the lone Jewish Muppet--Gonzo the Great.

"We found the money, stuffed up Gonzo's hand-hole, and his throat cut from implied ear to implied ear," said a member of the forensic team investigating the homicide. "We doubt it was the money that killed him."

Indictments are expected to be handed down this week.

Developing . . .

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