Monday, April 11, 2005

John Edwards Threatens To Channel Terri Schiavo

Says Dems Will "raise Christopher Reeve from dead" to defeat GOP in midterms

"Ruthlessness Manifested in the Flesh"
Edwards' warnings to the GOP about
Terri Schiavo's ramifications is sending
shockwaves through the Senate majority

Washington--Calling the Senate handling of the Terri Schiavo matter "disgusting," and that the republicans will "pay a price" at the polls, former Vice presidential candidate John Edwards warned that he is not above "crossing over" to help his party at the polls.

"I've spoken with Terri already," said Edwards, a trial lawyer, who channels the dead from time to time in tort cases. "And she is disgusted with the way people tried to give her food. Her message at this point is: John Zogby speaks for me."

Edwards' firebrand, head-on approach to controversial issues is credited in part with the simultaneous loss of his own state to George W. Bush, as well John Kerry’s presidential aspirations. GOP officials say that Edward's apocalyptic outlook for their party has them "totally worried."

"Look this man successfully channeled a fetus for a multimillion-dollar lawsuit," said one GOP strategist. "You've got to tread lightly around that kind of rhetorical power. Sure, he hides behind the facade of an over-coiffed, ambulance-chasing sissy with clairvoyant turns. And sure, he managed to help polarize even those in his own party with an atrocious ltitgatory rap sheet. And sure he said that Christopher Reeve would walk again if he and John Kerry were elected. It's all a carefully crafted ruse to hide the true. Ruthless skill of a man in the senate we have come to know as El Chubacabra."

Edwards shies not away from his controversial remarks concerning Reeve, amending them even further. “The Electoral College may have killed that man,” he says. “John Kerry and myself—a presumptive ticket that will never emerge again, by the way—have a plan to reanimate Christopher. Let’s just say it involves Democratic ideals, Robin Williams, and his Jumanji game.”

Analysts say that Edwards’ early threats to the GOP “do not bode well” for the party.

“This will embolden many other obscure senate democrats to start combing their hair a lot, and bringing their Ouija boards to committee meetings,” said one observer. “Nothing mobilizes the pseudo-occultic, necromancer silent majority of the left like a bunch of religious nuts in the GOP. It’s an early Christmas present for them.”

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