Sunday, April 17, 2005

Lawmakers Relieved As Florida Girl's Abduction, Rape, Murder Deemed Not A Hate Crime

Dems say M.O. proves legislation working; hope to curb backlash against conciliatory child molesters

Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer (l) reads aloud from legislation she helped pass that prevented Sara Jessica Lunde (r) from being subjected to horrifying, sexist rhetoric before being asphyxiated by her assailant.

Ruskin, Fla.--As the partially submerged body of slain 13-year old Sarah Jessica Lunde was being retrieved, lawmakers breathed a collective sigh of relief when they learned the abduction, possible rape, and suffocation of the missing girl would be ruled out as a hate crime.

"Thank God, that legislative foresight prevailed," said California Senator, Barbara Boxer. "Had we not struck when the political iron was hot, this girl could have been subjected to untold, misogynist tirades before being killed."

Experts agree that Congressional foresight may have prevented the abducted girl from listening to prolonged white-pride rhetoric, compulsory utterances of the "N-Word," or the emotional coercion that results in manifestos denouncing racial quotas at university.

“It is a natural tendency for people to view government’s role in an adversarial light,” said one noted expert. “But here we have an example where, had we catered to the vociferants on the right, this girl could have been found with her body embossed with crudely-carved swastikas all over it. This of course was not the case.”

Preliminary news reports indicate that the girl’s body was found with “entirely non-hateful or divisive” DNA all over her body, and that none of the perpetrating invasions to her person were “based on views promulgated by red state thinking.”

Senate democrats say, their primary reason for pushing so vigorously for hate-crime legislation is to “stem a tide of potential backlash or the conciliatory, and non-hateful” rapers of babies. CNC Chairman, Howard Dean, agrees.

“We have attempted to do for the paroled child molester, what God did for Job in the book of Armageddon,” he said. “We have tried to put a hedge of protection around those child molesters known to recoil in the face of non-constructive views on gay marriage.”

Dean says that he has “personally witnessed” the comprehensive interrogation process by which paroled, multiple child molesters and killers are vetted for their internal predilections.

“One of the most clever ways I’ve seen is, during the initial shakedown, to have Rush Limbaugh’s old ESPN commentary playing in the background,” he said. “When his line about Donovan McNabb’s organizational support stemming from a desire to see a black quarterback do well, we watch him very closely. Any indication of assent or agreement with such polarizing views sets them up for a bare minimum, life sentence.”

Limbaugh later quit in the wake of the enormous controversy that swarmed around his divisive, hate-loaded observations.

Breaking news reports say that 36 year old registered sex offender, David Onstott, has confessed to Sarah Lunde’s murder. Onstott is an ex-boyfriend of the victim's mother, and took Sarah after a fight. He later confessed to choking the girl, and authorities have stopped short of providing Onstott's full confession.

Divers Confirm Democratic Legal Victory: Aboslutely no sign of hate on victim's partially nude and submerged body; a hallmark sign that the crime was committed by non-hateful sex-offender, David Onsott (r)

“It could be him,” said one source on the investigative end. “He was a non-hateful child molester, and this one fits the sort of template he would follow. We’re hoping we can get through this investigative process rather quickly, so that we can redeploy our forces where they belong, to tracking down and catching the racist child molester before he offends again.”

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