Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Michael Schiavo Reaches Compromise With 1000 Gallon-A-Minute Feeding Tube

Stipulates for nothing less than "full and unrelenting nourishment"

Michael Schiavo's sense of
matrimonial sanctity has led him to
support feeding his wife. His girlfriend
says she is "100% supportive" as well

--An eleventh-hour compromise sent shockwaves through the right-to-die ranks Monday night, as Michael Schiavo has agreed to reinsertion of his wife's feeding tube, with the provision that "lost time" be regained by the insertion of a new, more powerful feeding tube that provides nourishment at the rate of one thousand gallons a minute.

"The time for compassion is now," said Schiavo. "We must act now, or we could lose Terri in a fashion much far less expedient than this."

Right to life groups are concerned that the high-pressure delivery system inherent in these feeding tubes may be a malicious attempt to distend Mrs. Schiavo's gastrointestinal organs to mortal levels--thus paving the way for an April wedding for Mr. Schiavo, and his current girlfriend.

"Again, I don't understand what could be constructive about questioning my motives," said Schiavo, who made the statement while borrowing something blue. "I am acting with complete purity of motive."

Mr. Schiavo also noted that attempting to rent a fiberglass arbor, plywood Corinthian pillars, and securing plane tickets for Paris was "a living hell" while his wife lay in a hospital bed. He also noted that public quibbling about why he suddenly feels his wife should sustain "augmented nourishment" is "not getting any food down her gullet."

"It's just sad that's it come to this," he said. "I want her to have all the food in the world, and I want her to have it right now."

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