The Therapist

Curious

Anyone actually reading here anymore? I'm over at Master Of None now. Come find me there.

posted by Doofus @ 10:03 PM |

About The Absence

Every once in a blue moon, it seems, I manage to fire up the desire to be back over here. But something just keeps me from doing so in general.

I think, ultimately, what happened to me was this: 2008 was discouraging to me on many levels. Say what you will about hope, I just firmly believe that my country committed suicide in November of that year.

Satire, to me, was only feasible when the insanity seemed manageable--when the fibrous tumor of statism and government malfeasance seemed to have mitigating undercurrents.

I am just too pessimistic to joke about it. Obama must be stopped. Perhaps, a Romney administration's temporary morphine injections to our metasticization will make satire do-able again.

That does not mean I am bitter, or angry. I just leave the political fights to the heavy-hitters Like Michelle, Ace, and Hotair. I also cruise over and watch Charles Johnson clown himself with his constant "ooh, rogue commenters discredit an entire site" buffoonery.

Anyone interested in my Active blogging (and have any penchant for fly-fishing whatsoever) can find me here;

A Tenkara Journey

I won't say this site is a complete non-restarter, just not in my immediate purview.

Those that still check back here, God bless you.

-T

posted by Doofus @ 11:19 AM |

Considering

Firing this thing up again. Anybody even here anymore?

posted by Doofus @ 7:28 AM |

Now On Twitter

I have no idea if ANYONE even flies over here in the hopes that the satirical bug might hit me, but I have decided to take the approach of lean and pith.

Twitter name: The__Therapist.

See you there.

-T

posted by Doofus @ 7:12 AM |

Guy From Metallica's "One" Video Disenfranchised From Franken Vote

Minneapolis--Even as the razor-thin margins are tallied in the still-ongoing Minnesota recount, controversy still manages to haunt the Coleman campaign.

Challenger Al Franken's campaign, currently trailing by a little more than 200 votes, has produced a continual stream of voters claiming their votes were disenfranchised, either by clerical technicalities, or by politically-motivated malfeasance.

Now, the armless, legless, earless, eyeless and faceless man featured in Metallica's One video has come forward claiming that his vote for Al Franken has been marginalized because of problems with identity verification.

"Hold my breath as I wish for death," he says. "Please God help me."

Theman, whose name is Joe Bonham, is part of a growing consensus that continued voter disenfranchisement by the political right is fostering a climate of cynicism and despair--most clearly articulated by Bonham.

"Darkness imprisoning me. All that I see. Absolute horror. I cannot live. I cannot die. Trapped in myself. Body my holding cell."

Franken's campaign claims it lays hold to "literally hundreds" of examples of anecdotal testimony from constituents with generally far less pitiful circumstances by which they've also found themselves shoved to the margins of the electoral spectrum.

"The Coleman campaign has clearly singled out those voters most photogenically pathetic and exploitable to us." said Franken. "But to us, they're good enough, smart enough, and likeable."

Bonham's ballot is one of many that are part of a larger challenge by the Franken campaign, who claim his vote was disenfranchised because Bonham provided no valid form of identification when his oxygen tent was rolled up to a Minneapolis voting site. Sources claim that Bonham's balloting was "erratic at best," and "displays a fundamental disorientation with the process."

"We'll not stop until the last voted is created, " said Franken.

posted by The Therapist @ 7:46 AM |

Russia Hoping Prototype Terrestrial Submarines Will Reduce Suffocations

Hails lack of need for “imperialist oxygen intervention”

Moscow—Fresh on the heels of a new maritime tragedy, Russia announced Monday that a new prototype, above-ground military submarine will “significantly reduce the human specter of suffocation.”

“We have designed this new vessel with a number of safety valves,” noted Vladimir Volkoginov, a senior military official. “”We even have crafted into the vessel’s organic functions the ability for the crew to launch themselves through the torpedo chutes before succumbing to debilitating claustrophobia.”

These developments, which began during the 2000 stranding of the Kursk in the Barent Sea, resulting in the untimely death of nearly forty men who survived the initial accident. Then president Vladimir Putin rejected US Naval intervention, which would have returned the Russian soldiers to their wives and children unscathed. Russian officials surmised that perhaps their naval troops would be better served by converting their primary fleets to terrestrial units.

Volkoginov also hailed the previous disaster, resulting in the untimely suffocation of—men, as a latent Pyrrhic victory over what he calls “imperialist attempts at oxygenating troops otherwise disinclined to the American political philosophy.”

“We simply saw the transparency of the U.S. Administration’s attempt at proselytizing through oxygen, “ he said. “And we reacted accordingly; by preventing sedition through heroic measures, which carry a subtle and undefined debt with them. We will never be beholden to return diplomatic favors in exchange for salvaging human lives.”

Sources say the new tragedy, resulting in the death of possibly more than twenty men, only solidifies Russian resolve.

Vologinov also said that America’s “blatant attempts to insert ‘hope’ and ‘change’” into Russia’s foreign affairs weren’t “ignorant, if not completely dangerous to the geopolitical landscape.”

posted by Doofus @ 6:00 AM |

Starving Kenyan Refugee Accidentally Hammers Out Deal With FOX NEWS on Laptop

Touch Screen capability causes man to "want Double-Double," signs with Hannity and Colmes.

Norway--When Chief Sumatra Korir found a reporter's stray laptop in his village, he assumed the In & Out advertisement in a pop-up window was tactile nourishment.

Grasping at the pseudo-protein, however, would change his life in ways other than what would normally be reflexive dry-heaving at the sudden introduction of meat to a starving man. It landed an explosive revelatory deal with Fox New's, Hannity and Colmes.

"My shaman says I have potentially changed the winds of the United States presidential election," said Korir through an interpreter. "What mean this United States?"

Korir, who looks five times his mere 29 years, says "the machine talks back to me."

"I speak with the Great Clowd," he says. "And many, many seek her counsel. So Far, I just say what the Cloud wants to hear--it brings great hope to many. I don't know why."

Korir was originally scheduled to appear on the little-known "Momma-E" radio broadcast shortly after his desire to eat a two-dimensional, animal-style Double Double hamburger somehow launched Korir into an unforeseen spotlight.

"I asked my interpreter to tell the burger that I had an abominable tapeworm," he said. "Somehow, I got all these emails saying they wanted me to send it to them. Let's just say, transference has been a chore. I know not your modern mail methods."

posted by Doofus @ 7:17 AM |