Russia Hoping Prototype Terrestrial Submarines Will Reduce SuffocationsHails lack of need for “imperialist oxygen intervention”
Moscow—Fresh on the heels of a new maritime tragedy, Russia announced Monday that a new prototype, above-ground military submarine will “significantly reduce the human specter of suffocation.”
“We have designed this new vessel with a number of safety valves,” noted Vladimir Volkoginov, a senior military official. “”We even have crafted into the vessel’s organic functions the ability for the crew to launch themselves through the torpedo chutes before succumbing to debilitating claustrophobia.”
These developments, which began during the 2000 stranding of the Kursk in the Barent Sea, resulting in the untimely death of nearly forty men who survived the initial accident. Then president Vladimir Putin rejected US Naval intervention, which would have returned the Russian soldiers to their wives and children unscathed. Russian officials surmised that perhaps their naval troops would be better served by converting their primary fleets to terrestrial units.
Volkoginov also hailed the previous disaster, resulting in the untimely suffocation of—men, as a latent Pyrrhic victory over what he calls “imperialist attempts at oxygenating troops otherwise disinclined to the American political philosophy.”
“We simply saw the transparency of the U.S. Administration’s attempt at proselytizing through oxygen, “ he said. “And we reacted accordingly; by preventing sedition through heroic measures, which carry a subtle and undefined debt with them. We will never be beholden to return diplomatic favors in exchange for salvaging human lives.”
Sources say the new tragedy, resulting in the death of possibly more than twenty men, only solidifies Russian resolve.
Vologinov also said that America’s “blatant attempts to insert ‘hope’ and ‘change’” into Russia’s foreign affairs weren’t “ignorant, if not completely dangerous to the geopolitical landscape.”