The Therapist

Russia Hoping Prototype Terrestrial Submarines Will Reduce Suffocations

Hails lack of need for “imperialist oxygen intervention”

Moscow—Fresh on the heels of a new maritime tragedy, Russia announced Monday that a new prototype, above-ground military submarine will “significantly reduce the human specter of suffocation.”

“We have designed this new vessel with a number of safety valves,” noted Vladimir Volkoginov, a senior military official. “”We even have crafted into the vessel’s organic functions the ability for the crew to launch themselves through the torpedo chutes before succumbing to debilitating claustrophobia.”

These developments, which began during the 2000 stranding of the Kursk in the Barent Sea, resulting in the untimely death of nearly forty men who survived the initial accident. Then president Vladimir Putin rejected US Naval intervention, which would have returned the Russian soldiers to their wives and children unscathed. Russian officials surmised that perhaps their naval troops would be better served by converting their primary fleets to terrestrial units.

Volkoginov also hailed the previous disaster, resulting in the untimely suffocation of—men, as a latent Pyrrhic victory over what he calls “imperialist attempts at oxygenating troops otherwise disinclined to the American political philosophy.”

“We simply saw the transparency of the U.S. Administration’s attempt at proselytizing through oxygen, “ he said. “And we reacted accordingly; by preventing sedition through heroic measures, which carry a subtle and undefined debt with them. We will never be beholden to return diplomatic favors in exchange for salvaging human lives.”

Sources say the new tragedy, resulting in the death of possibly more than twenty men, only solidifies Russian resolve.

Vologinov also said that America’s “blatant attempts to insert ‘hope’ and ‘change’” into Russia’s foreign affairs weren’t “ignorant, if not completely dangerous to the geopolitical landscape.”

posted by Doofus @ 6:00 AM |

Starving Kenyan Refugee Accidentally Hammers Out Deal With FOX NEWS on Laptop

Touch Screen capability causes man to "want Double-Double," signs with Hannity and Colmes.

Norway--When Chief Sumatra Korir found a reporter's stray laptop in his village, he assumed the In & Out advertisement in a pop-up window was tactile nourishment.

Grasping at the pseudo-protein, however, would change his life in ways other than what would normally be reflexive dry-heaving at the sudden introduction of meat to a starving man. It landed an explosive revelatory deal with Fox New's, Hannity and Colmes.

"My shaman says I have potentially changed the winds of the United States presidential election," said Korir through an interpreter. "What mean this United States?"

Korir, who looks five times his mere 29 years, says "the machine talks back to me."

"I speak with the Great Clowd," he says. "And many, many seek her counsel. So Far, I just say what the Cloud wants to hear--it brings great hope to many. I don't know why."

Korir was originally scheduled to appear on the little-known "Momma-E" radio broadcast shortly after his desire to eat a two-dimensional, animal-style Double Double hamburger somehow launched Korir into an unforeseen spotlight.

"I asked my interpreter to tell the burger that I had an abominable tapeworm," he said. "Somehow, I got all these emails saying they wanted me to send it to them. Let's just say, transference has been a chore. I know not your modern mail methods."

posted by Doofus @ 7:17 AM |