ABC News Declares FOX News Dead, All Other Media Outlets AliveWashington--In an 11th-hour glimmer of hope for the American people, ABC News has declared "irrefutable and multiple" sourcing that corroborates earlier media suspicions that FOX News is the lone decedant, in the recent collapse of major truth-mining operations.
"We have confirmed that all sentient news-gathering organs--with the FOX expiration being the lone outlier--are alive, breathing and suffering no left-side paralysis," said one unnamed source. "Thisis good news, no matter how you look at it."
Insiders at The New York Times were said to be already popping champagne corks.
"Sure, it's hard to lose anyone," said one editor at the Times. "But really, this 'wound' will cauterize itself, as we close ranks around that . . . that, that really big audience."