Saturday, April 09, 2005

Wendy's Finger-Finder To Sue General Mills For Torso In Wheaties Box

Thought bulging, 50-pound box was normal for economy size

Ayala: Perpetually dogged by
forensic evidence in her food,
wherever she goes. Believes she
"may be cursed" to receive undisclosed
settlements from corporations.

Las Vegas--The woman whose recent claim about finding a human finger in her chili at a Wendy's has come under increasing scrutiny, is now planning to sue General Mills for what she refers to as a "complete human trunk" displacing what she believed was a bran-based cereal.

"I was pouring my Wheaties into the bowl, when I heard a disconcerting thud," said 39-year-old Anna Ayala. "The box became worlds lighter, but I gave little more thought to it until I bit into an armpit."

Police recently obtained a search warrant under suspicion that the earlier finger incident may have been planted by Ayala, who has an extensive litigious history with food chains, and that the finger may have come from the corpse of her recently-deceased aunt.

"This now-emerging history of hers casts a real hue of dubiousness over the finger thing" said one legal analyst. "But the torso situation is still fair game. It is very, very easy for a plant worker to have their upper body sheared away from their arms, head, and lower extremities without ever reporting the incident to upper management."

Analysts point to the increasingly brazen scofflaw attitudes in the workplace that put OSHA into offensive mode.

"Look, we shouldn't have to seminar these people every six months," said one OSHA spokesperson. "But for Pete’s sake, if your torso falls into the broad grain silos, then you better report it."

General Mills said they have had no employees report missing an entire midriff, although they admit that they've had a few returns on new work shirts with odd requests for "emergency tailoring." Still, the company claims that Ayala is a legal opportunist, who will concoct the most egregious scenarios for financial solvency.

Ayala counters. "I am outraged by these allegations," she said. "Nobody believed me when I discovered that a bottle of apple juice I purchased from Ralph’s was actually a mason jar of bovine urine, either. I'm tired of my claims always being doubted. Just wait until I come across a formaldehyde-drenched toe-tag in my stationary. Then maybe the world will finally stop blaming the victim for once.”

Ayala met with early defeat in court, when her 1988 claim of finding brain matter in her headcheese was dismissed without qualification by a Northern California judge.

Who Links Here