Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Congress To Confront Al Qaeda Sleeper Cells Over Steroid Use

Unrestricted flow of illegal aliens could meet same fate

Washington--Indicating an unprecedented desire to halt "clear and present danger" to organized sports, a congressional committee is gearing up to confront homeland terrorist organizations over their use, and proliferation of--anabolic steroids.

Virginia Representative Tom Davis, along with California's Henry Waxman, are already looking into Major League Baseball's alleged "blind eye" approach to steroid use amongst their players. The congressman says this is only the tip of the iceberg.

"We are of the understanding that steroid use has penetrated even the inner circles of Al Qaeda sleeper cells here in the homeland," said Mr. Davis, a Republican. "The time has come to send them a clear message: if your going to enter one of our schools with a simpex vest loaded with C4, then that all you're going to be loaded with, if you get my drift."

Mr. Waxman, a democrat, concurs. "The sheer massive physical distortions created by the prolonged use of anabolic steroids makes the initial, "post explosion” cleanup of striated muscle tissue far more arduous. Steroids can literally double a detached torso's weight in a matter of weeks. We suspect that Al Qaeda's war room has planned for this, as it now requires two people to carry a standard, middle-eastern head by the hair, when it previously only required one."

Congressional insiders also indicated that undocumented aliens entering the country through already hemorrhaging border security would have to contend with the same, blood curdling threats.

"We are not playing around," said Davis. "If we have to completely remove all border restrictions, and provide driver's licenses for every entity that enters this country unchallenged, we'll do it until we have rid this country of anabolic steroids."

Sources indicate a "Capitol Tour" sting operation may be on the table--a brilliant scheme in which high-profile terrorists are given access to the Oval Office, the Supreme Court, The Pentagon, and allowed to operate blow torches near the founding documents at the Smithsonian Institution, where they will be strip searched for steroids in a surprise move by female sheriff’s deputies.

"We are assenting to nothing of the sort right now," said one unnamed congressperson. "But all options are on the table."

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