Monday, October 03, 2005

Don’t Worry, Harriet Miers Is Bionic

By President George W. Bush,
Guest Columnist

Sure, Harriet Miers was a Democrat throughout the 1980’s. And yes, she did contribute significant funds to the 1988 presidential bid of Al Gore. Just calm down. What you didn’t know is that she can run 60 miles per hour.

My friend Oscar Goldman told me about her. He said “we’ve spent six-million dollars to rebuild this woman, by god we better put her to use.” And boy, did we ever. We have achieved the goal with impunity.

Hence her nomination by me to the United States Supreme Court.

First, a bit of historical background. Harriet Miers fell victim to a non-descript aeronautical accident in the 1970’s. NASA called President Nixon and said “we have the technology to rebuild her,” to which Nixon agreed. Miers underwent deep invasive surgical procedure to replace her legs, her right arm, and her right eye with state of the art 1970’s electrical technology. And don’t let the fact that she has a giant electrical tape wrapped battery pack and a red LED counter on her neck throw you. This woman can jump over a concertina fence like it’s nobody’s business. She also managed to tackle and overcome a mechanized Sasquatch in Northern California, by ripping its arm out of its socket, in an attempt to throw the beast towards a tree. This is no small feat.

Oh, and I cannot explain why she has no visible scarring.

Just trust me on the nomination. She’s going to throw the entire senate through a window. And that’s because she’s bionic.


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