Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Nichols Released After Court Overturns Biblically-Based Surrender Terms

Must be influenced by non-sectarian hostage

Brian Nichols' surrender was vacated today,
in the wake of Hostage Ashley Smith's invasive
inclusion of "divine purpose" in her attempts to
secure a surrender

San Francisco--Atlanta Courthouse killer, Brian Nichols, was released on the orders of California's Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, when it was ruled that the contemplative, repentant surrender he was led to by his hostage was "religious based." Chief Justice Mary Schroeder writes the majority opinion:

It is a severe travesty that again, religion has interloped the letter of legal reasoning. By virtue of a respect for the wall of separation between God and everything else, we must conclude that a murderous rampage in which a surrender is solicited from either the Bible, or a motivational text associated with a Judeo-Christian ethic, must be vacated. We hereby order Mr. Nichols back on the street to resume mayhem until a non-sectarian hostage can intervene.

The ruling appears to be referencing The Purpose-Driven Life, by Rick Warren--a book which speaks of individual importance in the eyes of God--despite the starting point for this realization. The court seems to feel that this sense of "destiny," as imputed by Ashley Smith, the woman whom Nichols detained as a hostage until she was able to convince him of his larger purpose.

Rick Warren's life-affirming
book is partially credited with
Nichols' release by the court, as
it unduly ascibes value to the human

Experts say that Smith's intervention "may have permanently tainted" the process, and that Nichols may be free to conduct shootings at courthouses with impunity.

"This is why we don't mix religion and government," said one expert. "It's a very short leap between convincing this guy he has larger meaning, and placing value on the unborn and infirm. I don't think that's a chance we want to take. That's why the court's decision today is so important."

Analysts say that Nichols may have to take his rampage to blue states in order to find a hostage with correct, ideological proclivities.

"Universities are his best bet," said one. "In fact, a comparative religion professor would be perfect. They have no illusions about purpose."

My sincere thanks to my friend Basil, at Basil's Blog for this idea--I just extrapolated it. Make sure you pay him a visit and read his own hilarious take on the actual headlines. He makes me laugh every single day.

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