Friday, March 18, 2005

Analysts: Removal Of Schiavo's Feeding Tube Will Cause Press Corps. Baby Boom

Powerful aphrodisiac can circumvent vasectomies, tubal ligations

Analysts fear that the powerful, aphrodisiacal
nature of Judicial victory in the Terri Schiavo case
will result in a population explosion in the US press
corps. Pictured here are two "people of interest"
whom many fear are already "euphorically perched."

Washington--As the United States Congress enters the fray on the Terri Schiavo case, experts are warning that the "overwhelming desire for procreative abandon" will ensue the moment pro-life groups lose their bid to keep her alive.

"This is really scary," said one analyst. "Peter Jennings alone looked like he was having an amorous buildup just last night, as he said reminded the American people that the courts would ultimately emasculate any action by the President, The House or the Senate. It wouldn't surprise me a bit if he sustained multiple paternity suits from this alone."

Others indicate that a semi-retired, 73-year old Dan Rather could pull a "Tony Randall" when the feeding tube is finally removed by judicial fiat.

"It's bad enough for Dan," said our source. "Having your very virility diminished by wandering the hallways muttering 'courage' to the guy carrying Bob Schieffer's coffee. One good victory over those wanting the government to protect Terry Schiavo could put the lead back in the pencil."

Experts also warn that female journalists like Diane Sawyer and Katie Couric could see their fertility stars rise yet again in the eastern sky.

“Couric’s the one we need to worry about,” said one expert. “We thought they were going to have to send her to the free clinic when Reagan died. Same with Schwarzeneggar’s dad’s Nazi past in Austria. We do believe she may have had numerous trysts the day she thought Saddam Hussein had escaped into Syria, but we also believe that any early-stage pregnancies were miscarried the day he was captured."

It is also believed that such a powerful, euphoric stimuli can penetrate even the surgical preclusions against pregnancy.

"It's that powerful," said one source. "I wouldn't be surprised if little Peter Jennings' popped up all around ABC, nine months after they've removed that tube. Still, it needs to be done, in the name of victory. These people know what's good for us."

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