Monday, September 24, 2007

Study Shows No American Alive Could Kill Ahmadinejad During Visit

Ahmadinejad: Study shows
Americans "not skilled enough"
to assassinate him.

New York-As Iranian President, Mamhoud Ahmadinejad continues to make waves, a new study shows that, despite the general American contempt for him, that "no American alive" has the skill to take him out at long range with an assassin's bullet.

"We've really gone a long way with the vetting process," said Dr. Ira Shoenberg, of the Center for Statistical Analysis. "And we're almost completely certain that, despite the American penchant and facility with firearms, that literally no one has the skill necessary to place a high-caliber bullet into the Iranian president's temple during a public appearance."

Shoenberg noted that his study has a 3% margin of error, leaving some room for adjustment.

"We won't be so glib as to claim it's conclusive," he said. "But we just don't see any of these rifle-bearing hot-doggers having what it takes to nail him."

As an aside, Shoenberg also noted that "no one has the guts" to kill Ahmendinejad.

"Again, we just don't see it," he said. So in a nutshell, we are proclaiming Ahmedinejad to be "unassassinatable."

Saturday, September 08, 2007

If Osama Weren't Illegal, You'd Have No Problem With 9/11

(not) By Geraldo Rivera,
Guest Columnist

Right now I'm mad. Spitting mad. I'm so incensed that the first asian talking head I see's gonna get a chair-sized loogie upside her immigrant-bashing head.

Personally, I've had to work out the anger-to-reaction ratio. Fortunately, I have Al Capone's vault in which to sequester myself every time I feel the urge to throttle some xenophobic, morally-castrated isolationist with a need to emboss the citizenship statuses of cold-blooded killers.

So there he is: the tallest man in Afghanistan. I'll bet that black beard gets you all bothered and angry, doesn't it? I'll bet that overt, manly pillar of Allah-inspired testosterone just drives you immigration sissies over the brink, too. See, I just think all of this irrational fear is so imbedded in you, that you'd give Osama Bin Laden a pass if he could find the naturalization office before you lynched him.

C'mon. Is it really 9/11 that bothers you? Really. Think about it. Look deep into yourself, and see what the answer really is. Then get back to me. And remember, I'ver slept with scores of women, and have a moustache that could take the paint off a studebaker. So I should be intimidating.

Now pardon me. Michelle Malkin is expectorating me.

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